Everyone goes to college expecting to walk away from the experience as a better person. Ultimately, even the laziest college student enrolls in school with a set of goals in mind, although the goals are different for every person. For me, my goal isn’t the typical, “I’ve got to figure out what I want to be when I grow up,” because I’ve already known that for several years. Instead, I am determined to graduate college with a well-developed faith and the feeling that I have truly become a part of the Jewish community.

I remember, when I was growing up, how connected to their individual faiths my friends were and how their religions served as unwavering support systems. Although it wasn’t something I completely comprehended, I was painfully aware that I was missing out on something. For them, their religion nurtured hope and enabled them to feel as though they could overcome any obstacle because they were never truly alone. I learned quite quickly that I was envious of their firm belief that their God would always be there for them. I was jealous of the family gatherings and the natural bond people felt while praying or discussing their faith.

It seemed that I was at a disadvantage in comparison to others because I’d had no religious upbringing. When the going got tough, and I felt that not even my closest friend could unburden my troubles, I was completely alone. But for my friends, their church’s or shul’s doors were always open and, whether they had a private conversation with God or sought out the help of a Rabbi or a priest, they always had someone.

My father was someone who grew to resent religion as he felt it had been crammed down his throat; faith was never something he completely understood and, as a result, the moment he broke free of his parents, he turned atheist. Meanwhile, my mother was always inclined to observe her religion privately and in seclusion. Therefore, as a child, I was brought up on no religion, and as a result of that, my faith was in continuous limbo. I had nothing to latch my faith onto. For me, there was no common rulebook or somebody offering to teach me how to turn my faith into something that I could actually work with. Partly due to the easygoing mannerisms of my friends, I decided at a fairly early age to find my own way in religion. The search and the process were long and, for a long time, completely unsatisfactory. I visited churches, researched online, bought books and talked to my friends. But I just never knew how to get started or where to start. I felt as though I knew absolutely nothing about everything. Often, I felt as though I was simply a lost cause.

Finally, as I matured, I was able to sit back and look at the whole picture. I let myself simply think about what my best options were for developing my faith. I forced myself to forget about all of my anxieties and fears. Instead, I let myself think of nothing; my plan was for the images to just come to me. And, ultimately, when I wasn’t stressing myself out, the answer came fairly quickly. Images of laughing with my friends around the table at Chanukah, attending a few Shabbat services and listening with great interest at holidays like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur came to me. Conversations that I’d had with my friends came swiftly back into my mind about how blessed they felt to have such a strong connection to God. The atmosphere and how comfortable I’d always felt in a Jewish setting was pretty remarkable. I realized that Judaism was the only outlet available for me because it was the perfect fit for the development of my faith.

So, my goal for college is to absorb all the information I can about Judaism. My intention is to attend services and observe High Holy Days. It’s my desire to have discussions with Rabbis and Hillel leaders, as well as referring back to my friends, so that I can be guided on how to best develop my faith. But, ultimately, I want to be able to graduate knowing that I’m no longer a lost cause, knowing that my faith finally has something solid to anchor itself to and having that unbreakable bond with an all powerful being who will always be there for me. It is in finding God that I hope to find myself, and so each week will be a shared insight into my journey. It’s my greatest hope that I will be successful.