We’re into it now, folks: SA Elections season. The candidates are finalized and ready to roll, wooing students before voting begins on Monday. But the process brings even bigger pressure for those aspiring to the presidency and vice presidency, since those ambitious folks have to participate in the annual SA debates — it is a harsh and rigorous process, in that CTQ’s harsh judgment knows few boundaries. WE’RE HERE TO HURT FEELINGS, NOT MAKE FRIENDS. Deal with it.

THE TICKETS:

1. Sen. Scott Strenger with Sen. Ashley Haluck-Kangas
2. Sen. J.J. Gonzalez with Robert Valdovinos

THE MODERATORS:

SA President Eric Weissmann and Vice President Brittany Crowley. Power duo. Power suits. Fierce.

THE FORMAT:

1. Questions for Presidential Candidates
2. Questions for Vice-Presidential Candidates
3. Individualized Questions
4. Ticket Questions
5. Government and Audience Questions
6. Cross-Examination
7. Closing Statements

The questions from moderators asked the respective duos to state their most important goals, define the vice presidency, leadership, adequately representing all students’ interests and address major weaknesses. The questions were also intended to make the tickets realize that they will NEVER EVER BE AS GOOD AS ERIC AND BRITTANY, DAMMIT!

Right off the bat, there seemed to be slight differences in approaches by the tickets. For instance, Strenger-HalucKangas seemed fairly calm and put together, opting for a mix of continuing current objectives and advancing with particularly difficult initiatives. Gonzalez mostly stayed on the offensive, attacking the opposition’s platform while advancing a platform that is, almost word-for-word, the Weissmann-Crowley platform. Valdovinos, meanwhile, had a habit of opening his mouth, uttering sounds and occasionally one or two words, then fading into irrelevance. SECOND-IN-UNCOMMANDING.

As their most important goal, Strenger chose improving academics by getting the College to overhaul and unify its Web site, so that students who have trouble understanding the Internet can be placated. TUBE-ULAR.

Gonzalez, meanwhile, contended that the way to improve academics was by improving student life, rather than talking with the people who manage academics. According to Gonzalez, if the Pit’s breakfast hours expand — and we are not making this up — people won’t skip class to get a breakfast sandwich, thereby improving academics. The impartial observer would say that students who would skip class for a breakfast sandwich don’t deserve the SA government’s help. But perhaps we’re wrong. IF SO, WE’D CERTAINLY HAVE EGG ON OUR FACE.

One of the more interesting points of the night came when the candidates had to decide what Weissmann-Crowley’s weakest initiative was. Both candidates chose Fireside Chats, which have been sparsely attended, and which Gonzalez called a waste of money for almost no return. Strenger suggested scrapping it and creating “Flag Days,” when students would come to Hirst Lounge and paint scraps of cloth with complaints, which would then be hung in Wilson Commons. This is no doubt in response to the success of the federally recognized Flag Day, which everyone knows to be the highlight of that month that it’s in, on that one day, you know. THE EVENT IS ALREADY FLAGGING BEHIND.

Gonzalez, making a point to put negative emphasis whenever mentioning “Flag Days,” (not unjustified) instead argued that the way to connect students to their government was by having executive office hours and publicizing the Open Forum section of weekly SA Senate meetings, thereby putting the impetus on the same students who are too lazy to go to class so that they might get a breakfast sandwich. THAT IDEA’S GOWEN DOWN. (Which is a joke you’d get if you had any idea where the Senate meets each week, or understand terrible puns.)

In terms of structure, Strenger announced plans for a cabinet, winning over the powerful Federalist faction. And we’re sure Senate would just would be super thrilled with that. Gonzalez said he’d prefer the current decentralized government that is carrying out Weissmann’s initiatives, which will be good for next year, when the government is still carrying out Weissmann’s initiatives. SHIFTLESS (Irony achieved!)

Final Judgment:

Gonzalez-Valdovinos: Staying the course — straight(forward) but not fun. (Grade: C)
Strenger-HalucKangas: The initials of their first names spells S.A., so that’s something. (Grade: B)

However flippant and rash we are, the SA matters, as do the people who run it. Vote, vote smart, vote Monday. And even if you don’t get the result you want, well, you can always become a cynical gallery observer.

Adjourned!